Why do I worry about what people think so much?
Why did I hesitate to wear a wig to a wedding? (Because I had seen the guests before hand and I didn’t want to weird them out)
But why do I care if I weird people out? who’s to say that’ll even happen?
If I want to do something why don’t I Just do it?
What is it about other people whom I don’t even know that makes me care about their opinions?
why seek approval from complete strangers?
I guess I’m just afraid of looking like a joke.
But I’m pretty sure no one is going to look at me as a joke. Except for me. Which is twisted.
Why am I my worst enemy?
How do I not love my own skin that I am in?
What happened to the confident elementry school girl who rose her hand for every answer in class even when they were wrong?
That girl got made fun of for having a flat chest once she hit 7th grade.
That girl was told by a fellow classmate that the acne on her face looked like several different worlds and planets on her face.
That girl started staying in the shadows trying hard not to be seen like an abused kid making little to no movement the abuser was around.
So why worry?
So the abuse won’t srart again.
They do bad things for money, yet you extend your home to them.
Their little ones don’t come from your womb, you do them a favor
They cuss you out, steal your personal belongings, and yet you extend your house hold
You love the madness
You with 3 little ones against 3 heart killers
Everyday something new, new heartbreak, new name calling but yet you extend your house hold
You love the maddness
There was a death scare then a betrayal right after. 4 hours of being afraid and sadness and 12 more hours of rage and anger and deceit.
Still you extend your household, you love the Maddnesss.
You love the Maddnesss because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t extend your home to name callers and slanderers . thieves and liars. Deceivers and other family members.
If you don’t mind stretching out your lungs to the fullest everytime one of the people get mad then OK. Sure. Extend your home. You don’t mind it, you love it.
If you don’t mind getting blamed for things of the past day after day for weeks on end then OK. Sure. Extend your home. You don’t mind it, you love it.
If you don’t mind crying yourself dry whenever one of those people gets a negative answer from you then OK. Sure. Extend your home you don’t mind it you love it.
Just know that when you’re actually over the situation and you’re actually done with the wackiness that I’ll never know because I know you love the maddness.
A loaf of bread ?
A security blanket?
A waste of space?
A slob ?
While i actually jump through hoops on a moments notice You praise the actual slob.
i am ok.
No really, i’m fine. Thanks for asking.
It wasn’t hard at all fitting my 6ft self through that tiny hoop.
i am a little burned but the scars won’t fade away.
i am not as important as i thought.
i definitely know who You are.
And so do You.
i am not much with my presence but God forbid I don’t set foot back in, I’m like your morphine that you need to stay sane.
I’m the one who literally makes it possible for you to go away.
Only then am I your want, your burning desire, your diamond.
i am your doormat
Walk all over me
As You please
But You see
i just might leave
And throwaway the key
Only then will You see
How much i should mean