Your Thoughts Can Be Your Worst Enemy

What if the thing I’ve been overthinking is what I actually think it is.

But what if it isn’t?

And why the hell am I thinking about it so much?

I dont want to down play what I’m feeling but at the same time I dont want to cause an argument .

I’m trying to stay vigiliant.

Just keeping my eyes open to things I may not be able to see because of wonderful circumstances.

But what if in the process I do real damage.

So many things have made me this way and its the most unattractive way a person can be.

But I just can’t help myself. Is it true? Is it not true?

I can’t let what has happened before happen again. I mean that was the whole reason I went through it all. Learn from it and prevent it from happening again.

 

Baby Came Home (Part One)

Cigarette smoke clouded the black and white room as Ben sat in his desk chair. He planted it toward the middle of the living room facing the front door.  Liza had been in Miami with her girlfriends just for the weekend. So Ben thought. It was already Wednesday and there hadn’t even been a kissie face emoji sent to Ben’s phone from his girlfriend of two years. By the looks of instagram he had a slight feeling that Liza was well. But What about the two of them?  Ben was about to find out that the love of his life would soon be the next one to break his heart.

As a key slammed into the lock, Ben sat there sliding off the leather chair, opening and closing the black velvet ring box he was going to surprise Liza with.

Liza busted open the front door and rushed to the back room.

Ben was still staring at the half-opened door, wondering if he had been invisible. He tried to come up with some reason why she could be mad at him but he couldn’t come up with anything. Maybe the fact that he was wearing a dirty white beater and the apartment looked like a tornado ran through it. But how would she know? They hadn’t face timed in almost a week.  Running out of reasons, Ben rose up and peaked outside the door to see no suitcases or luggage  that should have been there,  given the fact that she just came back from a vacation. Odd. He thought. Gradually making his way into the back room he could hear Liza shuffling around and rummaging through drawers.

“Baby what’s going on?” He said softly, unsure he really wanted to know the answer.

She said nothing.

Ben walked closer to her and gently placed his hand on her back. He could smell the apple frutcis shampoo in her hair that she always used. He missed that smell so much. He missed her so much.

“Liza can we talk?” Ben tried again but she cut him off.

“Benjamin”, she sighed. “Leave me alone”.

He stood there frozen. Was she really leaving him? After two years of more ups than downs? After all the things they had seen and experienced together? But why? His eyes were glossy and drooped down almost as low as the corners of his lips. And then he snapped out of it.

“Liza! why are you putting your things into these bags? Where are you going? Where are the bags you took with you to Miami? You just gonna pick up and leave and not talk to me? like I’m no one? Did you find someone else? Did someone tell you something about me? I’m pretty sure it’s not true. Liza please just talk to me before you walk out of this apartment , our apartment. Tell me what I did. Tell me what I can do to make it right”. The words were spilling out of his mouth so fast, he hadn’t realized how many questions he just asked.

“Nothing. I’m leaving this town”. She said dryly as she paused with her back still facing him, looking at the room as if it were some disgusting habitat that she wanted no part of. “I need some time to explore”. Making absolutely no eye contact with Ben, she got up grabbed her bags and left the apartment. Ben followed close behind her and said nothing. So many things he wanted to say flew into his mind and crashed the part of his brain that made him speak.

Liza disappeared into the flickering hallway that led to the elevator. Never looking back.

Ben stood leaning out of the doorway holding the ring box with two fingers, aimlessly watching Liza fade away.

 

 

 

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Maybe

 

We’re living in a fantasy world

yes its true.

people can not be that cruel

for every evil, there’s a love

therefore we do not need what is up above

we can save ourselves by ourselves.

Tv, will give us real life situations and we’ll think they’re answers to our real life problems

instagram will tell us to be hotter or skinnier

so we eat air and crowd our face with with colorful acne boosters

that’s how we save ourselves.

But see that only works but so much.

deep down will be this depression, oppression and suppression

deep down we will feel hindered from true happiness. peace and joy.

And thats when we should realize that the world really IS that cruel

and our people are not really that true.

yea, in this flat world, there is a lot of love,

but we actually do need Him to save us, Him up above.

maybe you live in a fantasy world, but I don’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Worry

Why do I worry about what people think so much?

Why did I hesitate to wear a wig to a wedding? (Because I had seen the guests before hand and I didn’t want to weird them out)

But why do I care if I weird people out? who’s to say that’ll even happen?

If I want to do something why don’t I Just do it?

What is it about other people whom I don’t even know that makes me care about their opinions?

why seek approval from complete strangers?

I guess I’m just afraid of looking like a joke.

But I’m pretty sure no one is going to look at me as a joke. Except for me. Which is twisted.

Why am I my worst enemy?

How do I not love my own skin that I am in?

What happened to the confident elementry school girl who rose her hand for every answer in class even when they were wrong?

That girl got made fun of for having a flat chest once she hit 7th grade.

That girl was told by a fellow classmate that the acne on her face looked like several different worlds and planets on her face.

That girl started staying in the shadows trying hard not to be seen like an abused kid making little to no movement the abuser was around.

So why worry?

So the abuse won’t srart again.

 

Time Doesn’t Love You

screenshot_2017-01-04-15-05-512And as you stand there, on the cold tile floor looking at your immaculate reflection in the misty mirror,  I see your smile slowly start to dissappear as your reflection becomes more clear.

I know what you are thinking.  Another birthday has gone by,  you won’t look as good as me.

Baby I don’t care. The way you smell rocks my world. That’s what attracted me to you in the first place. Had I seen you in my human life I would have admired your perfect jaw line and bone structure. Or maybe the way your curly chocolate hair lays on your broad shoulders.  Oh I could go on.  My point is,  all i am really attracted to,  besides your wonderful personality of course is your scent. Of course, if I turn you,  there will be no reason to love you.

I’m tired of seeing perfect looking 200year Olds.  I think crows feet at the corners of the eyes are super hot.  I want you to have wrinkles.

Can’t you see? Time isn’t on your side baby but I am.

I will never leave you. Your human life is something that is so beautiful and sweet to me. I cherish it. You are literally my human other half.  You’re everything I am not. If you think I will be come less attracted to you as the decades go by then think again. I can’t wait to be by your side when life throws you lemons. All I have to do is Suck the sour juice out and your pain is forever gone. So,  for me baby,  please don’t make me turn you.

You Love The Maddnesss 

They do bad things for money,  yet you extend your home to them. 

Their little ones don’t come from your womb,  you do them a favor

They cuss you out,  steal your personal belongings,  and yet you extend your house hold

You love the madness 

You with 3 little ones against 3 heart killers 

Everyday something new,  new heartbreak,  new name calling but yet you extend your house hold 

You love the maddness

There was a death scare then a betrayal right after.  4 hours of being afraid and sadness and 12 more hours of rage and anger and  deceit. 

Still you extend your household,  you love the Maddnesss. 

You  love the Maddnesss because if you didn’t,  you wouldn’t extend your home to name callers and slanderers .  thieves and liars.  Deceivers and other family members. 

If you don’t mind stretching out your lungs to the fullest everytime one of the people get mad then OK.  Sure.  Extend your home.  You don’t mind it,  you love it. 

If you don’t mind getting blamed for things of the past day after day for weeks on end then OK.  Sure. Extend your home. You don’t mind it,  you love it. 

If you don’t mind crying yourself dry whenever one of those people gets a negative answer from you then OK.  Sure.  Extend your home you don’t mind it you love it. 

Just know that when  you’re actually over the situation and you’re actually done with the wackiness that I’ll never know because I know you love the maddness. 

Kill My Darling 

He had been drinking too much. He thought he’d celebrate because the campaign he had been working on the past 2 years had actually won! Dwayne, The Rock, Johnson was finally president of the United States. 

Let’s be honest, The rock didn’t win fair and square, He dug up some dirt on the other candidate and that’s the real reason he won.

The other candidate had A dirty past. We won’t get into the details of that but let’s just say if anybody knew that HE knew he would be dead. 

This was one of my husbands biggest accomplishments and I was so excited for him. We’ve been celebrating on a cruise in the Bahamas. One night I go out into the pool  while my husband is taking a shower in our room and a tall white man in an all black suit pulled me over to the side.  He asked me if I had been married. He asked me if I loved him. He asked me if I knew anything about the other candidate. He asked me if my husband knew. He also is wearing dark black sunglasses and after each question he asked me his eyes scanned my eyes and somehow he could tell I was lying. He pulled a gun out and asked me if I knew anything about the candidate once again I told him no . And once again he asked me if my husband knew about the other candidate and then I told him no again. He told me that he knew I was lying and asked me for my life or my husband’s life. I told him I was pregnant but he shouldn’t kill my husband either. But he killed my darling anyway.