Your Thoughts Can Be Your Worst Enemy

What if the thing I’ve been overthinking is what I actually think it is.

But what if it isn’t?

And why the hell am I thinking about it so much?

I dont want to down play what I’m feeling but at the same time I dont want to cause an argument .

I’m trying to stay vigiliant.

Just keeping my eyes open to things I may not be able to see because of wonderful circumstances.

But what if in the process I do real damage.

So many things have made me this way and its the most unattractive way a person can be.

But I just can’t help myself. Is it true? Is it not true?

I can’t let what has happened before happen again. I mean that was the whole reason I went through it all. Learn from it and prevent it from happening again.

 

Baby Came Home (Part One)

Cigarette smoke clouded the black and white room as Ben sat in his desk chair. He planted it toward the middle of the living room facing the front door.  Liza had been in Miami with her girlfriends just for the weekend. So Ben thought. It was already Wednesday and there hadn’t even been a kissie face emoji sent to Ben’s phone from his girlfriend of two years. By the looks of instagram he had a slight feeling that Liza was well. But What about the two of them?  Ben was about to find out that the love of his life would soon be the next one to break his heart.

As a key slammed into the lock, Ben sat there sliding off the leather chair, opening and closing the black velvet ring box he was going to surprise Liza with.

Liza busted open the front door and rushed to the back room.

Ben was still staring at the half-opened door, wondering if he had been invisible. He tried to come up with some reason why she could be mad at him but he couldn’t come up with anything. Maybe the fact that he was wearing a dirty white beater and the apartment looked like a tornado ran through it. But how would she know? They hadn’t face timed in almost a week.  Running out of reasons, Ben rose up and peaked outside the door to see no suitcases or luggage  that should have been there,  given the fact that she just came back from a vacation. Odd. He thought. Gradually making his way into the back room he could hear Liza shuffling around and rummaging through drawers.

“Baby what’s going on?” He said softly, unsure he really wanted to know the answer.

She said nothing.

Ben walked closer to her and gently placed his hand on her back. He could smell the apple frutcis shampoo in her hair that she always used. He missed that smell so much. He missed her so much.

“Liza can we talk?” Ben tried again but she cut him off.

“Benjamin”, she sighed. “Leave me alone”.

He stood there frozen. Was she really leaving him? After two years of more ups than downs? After all the things they had seen and experienced together? But why? His eyes were glossy and drooped down almost as low as the corners of his lips. And then he snapped out of it.

“Liza! why are you putting your things into these bags? Where are you going? Where are the bags you took with you to Miami? You just gonna pick up and leave and not talk to me? like I’m no one? Did you find someone else? Did someone tell you something about me? I’m pretty sure it’s not true. Liza please just talk to me before you walk out of this apartment , our apartment. Tell me what I did. Tell me what I can do to make it right”. The words were spilling out of his mouth so fast, he hadn’t realized how many questions he just asked.

“Nothing. I’m leaving this town”. She said dryly as she paused with her back still facing him, looking at the room as if it were some disgusting habitat that she wanted no part of. “I need some time to explore”. Making absolutely no eye contact with Ben, she got up grabbed her bags and left the apartment. Ben followed close behind her and said nothing. So many things he wanted to say flew into his mind and crashed the part of his brain that made him speak.

Liza disappeared into the flickering hallway that led to the elevator. Never looking back.

Ben stood leaning out of the doorway holding the ring box with two fingers, aimlessly watching Liza fade away.

 

 

 

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Why Worry

Why do I worry about what people think so much?

Why did I hesitate to wear a wig to a wedding? (Because I had seen the guests before hand and I didn’t want to weird them out)

But why do I care if I weird people out? who’s to say that’ll even happen?

If I want to do something why don’t I Just do it?

What is it about other people whom I don’t even know that makes me care about their opinions?

why seek approval from complete strangers?

I guess I’m just afraid of looking like a joke.

But I’m pretty sure no one is going to look at me as a joke. Except for me. Which is twisted.

Why am I my worst enemy?

How do I not love my own skin that I am in?

What happened to the confident elementry school girl who rose her hand for every answer in class even when they were wrong?

That girl got made fun of for having a flat chest once she hit 7th grade.

That girl was told by a fellow classmate that the acne on her face looked like several different worlds and planets on her face.

That girl started staying in the shadows trying hard not to be seen like an abused kid making little to no movement the abuser was around.

So why worry?

So the abuse won’t srart again.

 

Time Doesn’t Love You

screenshot_2017-01-04-15-05-512And as you stand there, on the cold tile floor looking at your immaculate reflection in the misty mirror,  I see your smile slowly start to dissappear as your reflection becomes more clear.

I know what you are thinking.  Another birthday has gone by,  you won’t look as good as me.

Baby I don’t care. The way you smell rocks my world. That’s what attracted me to you in the first place. Had I seen you in my human life I would have admired your perfect jaw line and bone structure. Or maybe the way your curly chocolate hair lays on your broad shoulders.  Oh I could go on.  My point is,  all i am really attracted to,  besides your wonderful personality of course is your scent. Of course, if I turn you,  there will be no reason to love you.

I’m tired of seeing perfect looking 200year Olds.  I think crows feet at the corners of the eyes are super hot.  I want you to have wrinkles.

Can’t you see? Time isn’t on your side baby but I am.

I will never leave you. Your human life is something that is so beautiful and sweet to me. I cherish it. You are literally my human other half.  You’re everything I am not. If you think I will be come less attracted to you as the decades go by then think again. I can’t wait to be by your side when life throws you lemons. All I have to do is Suck the sour juice out and your pain is forever gone. So,  for me baby,  please don’t make me turn you.

Kill My Darling 

He had been drinking too much. He thought he’d celebrate because the campaign he had been working on the past 2 years had actually won! Dwayne, The Rock, Johnson was finally president of the United States. 

Let’s be honest, The rock didn’t win fair and square, He dug up some dirt on the other candidate and that’s the real reason he won.

The other candidate had A dirty past. We won’t get into the details of that but let’s just say if anybody knew that HE knew he would be dead. 

This was one of my husbands biggest accomplishments and I was so excited for him. We’ve been celebrating on a cruise in the Bahamas. One night I go out into the pool  while my husband is taking a shower in our room and a tall white man in an all black suit pulled me over to the side.  He asked me if I had been married. He asked me if I loved him. He asked me if I knew anything about the other candidate. He asked me if my husband knew. He also is wearing dark black sunglasses and after each question he asked me his eyes scanned my eyes and somehow he could tell I was lying. He pulled a gun out and asked me if I knew anything about the candidate once again I told him no . And once again he asked me if my husband knew about the other candidate and then I told him no again. He told me that he knew I was lying and asked me for my life or my husband’s life. I told him I was pregnant but he shouldn’t kill my husband either. But he killed my darling anyway.

What Will One Do For Money

One day my mom and I walked up a 3 mile Hill to get to a clothing store. We took my 10-year-old sister along for her to get an outfit for chorus for her chorus concert the next day. She has been practicing her songs every day for a week and now it’s time to buy the clothes. We get into the run down store and head straight to the dressing rooms. my sister picks out tons of different types of white shirts and black bottoms.

My mother and I noticed that she’s taking a little too long in the dressing room. We figured she was just admiring herself in the mirror. After about 10 minutes of waiting we call to her and we get no answer. Finally we open the dressing room door and my sister has disappeared. We make an announcement throughout the entire store and still no sign of my sister.  

All night long I had been searching for my sister calling her name getting neighbors to help me look for her. My mother had made good friends with one of the local sheriffs. We got a search party for her.  

Weeks go by even months and I’m grieving a bunch. My mother never once asked me how I’m doing and I never once see her shed one tear. Somehow we afford a new car and a new house in a new neighborhood. My mother is able to buy me all these designer clothes in bags and even household items. On weekends her and the sheriff vacation in Miami. 

Still my sister is nowhere to be found. 

I take a ride in an Uber to the old run down store and I stand in the same dressing room my sister was in. I noticed that in the middle of the floor the carpet is uneven so I pull it up and there’s a hole. I look down the hole and all I see is blackness. As I sit back up a tight grip pulls me in and I’m able to let myself back up.

Somehow my sister got kidnapped.

I overheard a conversation in my mother’s bedroom with the sheriff about when we’re supposed to get our next check.

And then it all made sense.

My sister disappears, my mother gains a sheriff boyfriend, and we gain a new Mercedes and a nicer house. We gain a fortune.

I confront my mother about it and she told me that she made a deal.

The sheriff is only a sheriff to cover up what he really does for a living. Sheriff Cooper is a sex slave owner.

She told me it was for the best and when I rather have everything that I’ve always wanted.

My sister disappeared and now has to give her body to any and every man so that me and my mother can live well. I’d rather be homeless if it meant seeing my sister again.

What am I ?

A loaf of bread ?

A security blanket?

An obligation?

A waste of space?

A slob ?

While i actually jump through hoops on a moments notice You praise the actual slob.

i am ok.

No really, i’m fine. Thanks for asking.

It wasn’t hard at all fitting my 6ft self through that tiny hoop.

i am a little burned but the scars won’t fade away.

i am not as important as i thought.

i definitely know who You are.

And so do You.

i am not much with my presence but God forbid I don’t set foot back in, I’m like your morphine that you need to stay sane.

I’m the one who literally makes it possible for you to go away.

Only then am I your want, your burning desire, your diamond.

Besides that

i am your doormat

Walk all over me

As You please

But You see

i just might leave

And throwaway the key

Only then will You see

How much i should mean

To You